The Plant Party
After reading a recent story in The Bollard [“American Junta: A Mainer who fled violence in Africa reflects on his abduction by ICE,” March 2026], I’ve made a very big decision. I have decided to run for election. The way Paul, the man in the story, was treated really made me think.
Now I’d like to say some stuff about my campaign. Please hear me out. First off, Running for what? That all depends on some things that I’m not in control of. I’m still in the rehab place, Springbrook hospital, with a couple things on the calendar, medical issues, but I’m not certain of the plan.
I’m basing my plan on planting. Yup. And my campaign is based on my new platform. Just as folks run on the Democratic ticket or the Republican Party line, I’m running on the Plant Party line, which is based on me thinking it up. I got this plan figgered from this outfit I’m in, Arbor Day Foundation. Let me mention a couple of items to you.
Every year the Forest Services state we are losing 36 million trees. These are so important now with global warming. They are our only tool to fight the crisis. They give a lot of shade and turn carbon dioxide into oxygen. I can’t see how we can carry on without replanting these 36 million.
I was thinking my age might come into play. I turned 73 this spring. I read all the time how age is a factor. But you know, Indians and other cultures hold the elderly in great esteem — unless you got a health issue, of course. But older people might do better.
Speaking of old age, I remember Portland being known as The Forest City. Now we can’t forget that.
If elected, I will introduce many bills — let’s say, suggestions — about growing stuff, which I can’t imagine will provoke any negative attitudes. Have you ever heard of any folks being anti-planters? Aside from the prez, that is.
Now I’m hearing you say, How can a city councilor make much difference in our lives just by teaching a new philosophy? When folks get together to plant a new tree, along comes happiness and ideas. Who knows what a few tree-growers can come up with? Yes, I truly believe — new growth in our ground, new concepts in our noggins.
I grew up landscaping, helping my father, who was one of the best gardeners in the area. Then I tried industrial planting out West, planting about 1,800 to 2,000 trees daily, and since I been getting older, a house full of flowers. I’d pass ’em out to my friends and neighbors. Had such fun, really. At 497 Spring St. — you probably drove by.
If people could address me as Mr. Politico, it would really delight me. And during times ahead, no matter what, I’ll still keep active in a garden someplace. And I won’t leave The Bollard. Writing is a real big joy of life for me and perhaps it’ll come in handy should I be elected.
Where were you educated?, you’ll say. And I’ll respond: the school of life, where I majored in keeping my eyes open and keeping my head cool. And trying to observe and learn from everything I’ve seen.
I was born poor, grew up poor, but kept my eye open and my mouth shut. By the time I’m in my 30s, I’ve been to jail, yet had four millionaires to sponsor me on job applications. And in prison I was the best worker of all, while being the most popular inmate up there.
Also, by my 40s, I had been to all 48 contiguous states in America at least once, and some, like California and Florida, three or four times, and boy, I’ll tell you, that’s an education all in itself. And through all this, in spare time, I read like crazy. You’ll find this true of all us great politicos — we’re all voracious readers. Abraham Lincoln, who I admire a lot, and my other hero, Jack Kennedy. It’s too bad Trump doesn’t use Jack as a role model. He wouldn’t be begging other countries for help right now. They’d give it to JFK without his even asking.
I’m gonna be greener than Green, more liberal than liberal. I don’t want Democrat votes unless they see stuff as I do. I hate guns. I’ll let hunters do their thing s’long as they hunt correctly. I believe our minimum wage is a bit high. Christ, the busboys are earning more than the owner. I’m surprised more biz haven’t gone out of biz. Maybe they’ve found a way around it.
I know I got a lot of friends looking down on Trump. Keep ’er up, boys — you know who you are. People like me get elected and that’s another soldier in the war against fascism. God didn’t make me run, a story in The Bollard did, but he’s definitely on my side.
Well, I’ll appreciate your confidence. Thanks.
