Angus: The “g” is silent
It’s time to project the winner in Maine’s U.S. Senate race. With zero percent of precincts reporting and the polls not scheduled to open for months, our incredibly accurate analytical program predicts incumbent Angus King, an independent (stop smirking just because he votes exactly like a Democrat), will win reelection to a third term with so many more votes than his feeble opponents that it would be a waste of time counting them.
That’s assuming King, who turns 80 at the end of March, doesn’t die between now and November, although our polling indicates his corpse would still score a sizable victory, since most voters wouldn’t notice that King’s decaying remains were only slightly less effective in shaping public policy than his allegedly animated self ever was.
There are a couple reasons why this race is already over before it’s begun. The main one is King is once again facing negligible opposition. The other is that even when King does something stupid, no one cares.
Take, for instance, political endorsements. In 2010, Angus backed fellow independent Eliot Cutler for governor. “I haven’t been this excited in a long time,” he proclaimed, revealing a perverse threshold for excitement. Cutler narrowly lost that election, thereby sparing the state from having a chief executive with a large cache of kiddie porn on his computer.
Of course, there was no way King could have known about his pal’s sick hobby. But the senator might have noticed Cutler’s arrogance, egotism and general assholishness, which were on ample display in his assorted public positions and previous private enterprises.
Nope. When 2014 rolled around, King again endorsed Cutler for the dopiest possible reason. “I’m here today because Eliot Cutler is going to win this election,” he announced, “and I want to be on the right side.”
Cutler finished a feeble third, although by that time, Angus had switched his allegiance to Democrat Mike Michaud, who also lost.
I admit it’s totally unfair to disparage King’s fitness for public office because he associated with one pedo creep. Instead, I should be disparaging his fitness for office because of his crippling inability to take a worthwhile stand on any issue of importance. I’ll make recompense by presenting examples of times the senator flailed wildly at a problem without striking anything solid.
On the war in Gaza: King was part of a delegation of senators who went to the Middle East early in the conflict and met with Israel’s leader. Upon his return, he said, “The Israeli conduct of the war is making it very difficult for [moderate Arab countries] to have any kind of relationship with Israel. We made that point forcefully and repeatedly, and I believe Prime Minister Netanyahu was listening.”
Not to you he wasn’t.
Long before the latest immigration debacle, Angus and a couple of his buddies offered up a kind of do-nothing compromise. “As Congress works toward a comprehensive responsible approach to manage the southern border,” King proclaimed, “this bill strikes an appropriate balance.”
I forget what that balance involved, but it doesn’t much matter. The legislation never came up for a vote.
Mass shootings: “Nothing can bring back the lives of our family and friends,” King said, “but responsible actions moving forward can reduce the likelihood of such a nightmare happening again in Maine or anywhere else.”
The actions in question? A bill to ban certain technical aspects of certain firearms. Dead on arrival.
A couple of years ago, King realized, “There is no doubt we need to quickly expand the supply of affordable housing in Maine and across the country.” His plan called for constructing cheap apartments in historic buildings (Victoria Mansion?).
Social Security: In a joint statement, King and Louisiana Republican Sen. Bill Cassidy said time was of the essence to save the program: “Taking action is our only option; inaction now will only make it harder later.”
That was a year ago. Other than proposing to raise the retirement age and borrow $1.5 trillion (yes, trillion) to invest in the stock market (really!), nothing has come of this supposedly urgent initiative.
There’s lots more, from Supreme Court ethics to preventing government shutdowns to saving funny highway signs. It all amounts to an impressive collection of pointlessness and futility. Somebody else might do better, but probably not these birds.
Demi Kouzounas is the Republican crash-test dummy opposing Angus. She’s an unsuccessful legislative candidate and a disastrous former chair of the state GOP. She’s running because U.S. Sen. Susan Collins asked her to, so the party wouldn’t be embarrassed by having some kook as its nominee. Given Kouzounas’ MAGA leanings, it may be difficult to tell the difference.
David Costello is the Democrats’ sacrificial leg of mutton. Costello was a bureaucrat in Maryland and an environmental activist in Maine. According to news reports, he thinks the guy he’s trying to oust is “a very intelligent, thoughtful person,” but the Senate is “obscenely undemocratic.” He’ll somehow magically change that.
Concession speeches are expected shortly.
Wake me when it’s over by e-mailing aldiamon@herniahill.net.
