Sorting Out the GOP Goobs
In a Republican gubernatorial field of roughly 65,312 candidates (known colloquially as “goobs”), it’s tough for anybody to stand out. It’s not enough for one of these ambitious politicians to proclaim how much he loves Trump, because they all love Trump. It’s not enough to swear he hates Democrats (especially incumbent Gov. Janet Mills), socialists and ICE protesters, because they all hate Democrats, Mills, etc. It’s not enough to promise to cut taxes, regulations, welfare, immigration, transgender people and Puerto Ricans performing in the Super Bowl halftime show, because they all blather on about that stuff ad infinitum.
So, when GOP voters go to the polls in June to choose their Blaine House nominee, they’ll be making their choices based on some very subtle distinctions. Such as:
Who has a cool name? This may severely hamper the campaign of Ben Midgley, whose moniker evokes tiny biting insects. Nobody is named Adolph, Saddam or Stalin, so I don’t see the name thing giving anyone an edge.
Who has a lot of money? Midgley, a former fitness czar, who may need to spend it on fly dope. Jonathan Bush, who’ll have to hire a spokesperson to hide the fact he’s as incoherent as either of the former presidents he’s related to. And Garrett Mason, who’s getting outside help from the Christian right because he’s one of their own.
Who’s charming? Nobody, really. But Owen McCarthy and Jim Libby aren’t actually obnoxious.
Who’s handsome? David Jones looks sort of distinguished. Steven Sheppard, who’s already dropped out, has a nice beard. Other than that, everyone looks like someone took out their frustrations on a toothpaste tube.
Who’s qualified? Bobby Charles has experience in the U.S. State Department, which may mean he knows how to explain away horrible foreign-policy decisions. Mason once served in legislative leadership without making much of an impact, and he previously ran for governor with similar results. Most of the rest are relying on their business backgrounds, which gives them the same preparation for state government as a mail order learn-to-draw course.
Who’s irrelevant? Ken Capron, Robert Wessels and David Foster can all be safely ignored.
Who can win? Well, except for the previous category, any of them stands a chance, assuming the Democratic nominee offers nothing fresher than Mills 2.0 and Republican-turned-independent Rick Bennett doesn’t prove so enticing to those seeking something new that he drains away GOP voters weary of the nonsense from Washington. The danger for Republicans is that Bennett could help the Democrat by drawing enough moderate Republicans, thereby splitting the change vote and helping elect more of the same old thing. Or Bennett could prove so attractive (he is better looking than any GOP candidate) that compared to a cookie-cutter Dem and a too-far-to-the-right Republican, he wins the race himself. That’s how previous independent governors James Longley and Angus King got into office.
Still, the three-way scenario is reasonably favorable for the GOP. Most voters, regardless of ideology, will be looking for change. The Republican nominee, no matter who he is, should be able to offer something resembling that, assuming he’s adequately financed and adequately managed to obscure however crazy he happens to be.
Let’s discuss that campaign thing. So far, several GOP hopefuls have been running on platforms that can be boiled down to “My Esteemed Republican Opponents Suck Ass.” One exception to that approach: Mason, whose strategy seems to be, “I will sacrifice one of my testicles if it earns me Donald Trump’s endorsement.” These approaches may be mildly effective in the primary, but won’t work well in the general election. They may even prove counterproductive. To change voters’ preferences, negative campaigns need to be more sophisticated than mere scatological references. And if the polls are to be believed, Trump is a lot less popular among the general populace than with GOP primary voters, so his endorsement could be a kick in the crotch.
You know what else sucks ass? Everybody mentioned above is male. Not a single woman is running for the Republican nomination. If the GOP weren’t so fanatically opposed to transgender people, a couple of these guys ought to start taking hormones and scheduling boob jobs in a desperate attempt to stand out from the crowd.
But there’s no need for anything so drastic. Republicans could just recruit more women to diversify the field. Except the GOP is against diversity, even if it’s the superficial kind. If they start doing this kind of thing, next thing you know they’ll be running immigrants or Bad Bunny fans for office. After that, it’s not such a big step to nominating moderates. Before long, you wouldn’t recognize the Republican Party.
And their caucuses would be attracting ICE agents.
Was this little guide to the GOP gubernatorial primary helpful? Of course not. But it wasn’t really meant to be.
Al Diamon is unhelpful every Wednesday in the Bangor Daily News e-mail newsletter Maine Politics Insider and each month in The Maine Sportsman. He can be e-mailed at aldiamon@herniahill.net.
