by Samuel James

Holiday Guide

It’s the holiday season and you’re in Maine (the whitest state), so you know what that means: You’re about to hear a family member deliver a bit of astute political commentary like:

“We put up with your president, now you put up with my president!”

“He won, she lost. Get over it!”

“He’s the president!”

This is the equivalent of saying, Ha, ha, fuck you! And it’s a problem.

Now, don’t get me wrong. When YouTube debuted, I spent six straight hours watching slip-trip-and-fall vids. Schadenfreude is my middle name, but even I know there’s a time and a place.

So, what do you do when you’re sitting at the dinner table and Uncle Fred starts in about MAGA and all that shit? Well, I’m black and I’ve got a pretty small family, so I have no experience with this at all, but I do have a few suggestions…

1: Say nothing.

This is an option. If you think you’ve still got room inside your soul to bottle up more emotions, go right ahead. Peace at the dinner table now may be worth a battle with your conscience later. Just be warned: this is the riskiest option. If you’re wrong, it could lead to Option 2 or, more likely, Option 3.

2: Try a careful and thought-out explanation.

This is the most reasonable option, but also the most likely to fail. After all, the public display of Schadenfreude (German for “gloating over others’ misfortune”) is generally considered unreasonable behavior, and the current administration has already proven to be a global catastrophe, so anyone still supporting it is probably extremely unreasonable. Still, you may feel a compulsion to act reasonably in this situation, so why not try something like, “Uncle Fred, this isn’t about who won and who lost. It’s not about an individual person. This is about which ideas are a better choice for the future of this country. As citizens of this country, we need to be able to see beyond our individual experiences and feelings. We need to be able to clearly see what this country is and who lives in it. We need to be able to understand that different citizens have different needs and it’s the responsibility of any society to address all of those needs. The conversations we should be having are about just how to best address those needs. But we’re never going to get there if we can’t get past talking about who won.”

3: Flip the fuck out.

This may be the inevitable option. If Options 1 or 2 fail, this is likely where you’re headed. This is also the most fun option.

At some point during your flip-out, you’re going to want to smash your plate on the floor (*). You’ll also want to address the room (**) and, right after that, calmly walk out of the room (***). Flipping the fuck out at a family gathering is an art, so I suggest you follow this script exactly:

“This ain’t a fucking game, Fred! (*) It ain’t about who ‘won’ a goddamn race, you fucking child! Peoples’ actual lives are at stake and you’re too busy congratulating yourself on a broken system erring in what you think is your favor — which, by the way, it is not — to realize that we’re all chin-deep in shit! Goddammit! Are you so fucking miserable that you can’t get past the morbid joy of watching someone lose? (**) Oh, did I ruin the family dinner for everyone? Why don’t you ask yourselves why Fred’s racism and sexism haven’t already made you lose your appetites? I know I’ve lost mine (***).”

I am only kind-of kidding here. If you want to get through to someone, you have to know the path. Some people’s paths are wide and clear and paved and sunny and open to the public. Others’ paths are covered over with thorns and brambles, barely visible and only penetrable by a disrespectful asshole. If 45 appeals to Uncle Fred, then maybe commonly held beliefs about respect won’t get you down Uncle Fred’s path.

I’m not saying duke it out with ol’ Fred, but I am saying that we all know people who are only capable of understanding speech if the volume is raised. Don’t be afraid to turn it up.

Be heard.

Happy Holidays!