by “Tackle Box” Billy Kelley

Some nerve

Hey, folks! Have a nice winter? You know, the weatherman says this was the tenth-worst winter in the history of this state. Whadya think about that?

I sure don’t let my time go to waste. Like, this winter I learned that the Bollard magazine can make the absolutest best paper plate you ever used, ’specially for chicken or what have you. As my old mentor used to say (Ben Franklin), “waste not, want not.” Amazin’ what you can learn in your spare time, ain’t it?

Now, you guys know I don’t go near ice, ’specially ice fishing. It’s too fucking cold. Also makes a fella wonder — where do fish go when it’s so damn cold? Deeper in the water? I got cause to investigate this now and that’s what I intend to do. They probably don’t do anything out of usual. They probably don’t even know what the temp is. Gotta admit they are about as dumb as dumb can be. I think I can get that answer at the library. I’ll get back to you on that one.

It’s actually an important question. It would mean that fish do have nerves. That would open a whole door on the fish biz. I know they got somewhat of a nervous system. Once I was bringing in the fish so fast I had no time to take my time and get them unhooked and all that malarkey, so I just whacked it a good one against the ground. At one time there was railroad tracks on the wharfs, and what happened was it hit the track just right and somehow its eyes popped right out of its head. Yesiree, I could look right through its head and see the other side, and it was still hopping.

So we know fish got some nerves, but susceptibility to temperature — I just don’t know. I know people sure do. They found a guy — a “floater,” so they call ’em — last week up ’round Penobscot. Every year I warn you and warn you. Guess no one listens. So again, be careful around the water. This is no trivial matter. It breaks my heart to hear about these instances.

We know crustaceans move according to temperature. Ask any lobsterman. Or shrimper. Whoops, that’s right — we don’t do shrimp no more, do we? Christ, pretty soon we won’t be catching anything, the way we’re heading. I got a buddy does eels. I’ve yet to discuss it with him, but I assume he’s in the same sad shape as all the rest of the elvers. I guess they’re next to go.

A lot of us will be out of a job pretty quick, besides out of food, ’cause some fish you simply cannot farm. I guess thank God there’s a lot we can grow in a swimming pool, and we’re learning more and more every day. But I tell ya, you cut up a farm-grown trout, then whack up a wild trout — believe me, you will see a difference.

I’m living a time to still catch ’em, but this time is fading fast. It ain’t much to me, but my kids won’t even know what a rod & reel are. Sad, ain’t it?

So have a good season this year. Maybe not many left, after all. Hopefully the weather will improve. It can’t get no worse, can it? I think last season was the worst we ever had. Maybe it’s my age creeping up on me. I don’t have dementia. A pro told me, so it’s believable. If we have another season like last, I’m gonna hunt mushrooms. Big money, doncha know? Also, next time I got no fish I’m gonna write about pirates. Folks just love a pirate story.

This year I’ll try fresh water again, just to hopefully get some sort of action. My buddy has great luck up Sebago, and now there’s a bus goes up there from Portland. A lot of different fresh-water fish are very tasty. I just love to go after brook trout. They’re one good-tasting fish. Try one, you’ll see.

Thanks. I’ll be looking for you.