Table for 2 & 1/2
Tips on local dining with toddlers
By Dan Zarin
Picture yourself in your favorite restaurant: the soft clink of glasses, the murmur of tableside conversation, perhaps some gentle string music in the background. Suddenly a piercing wail shatters the silence: “I’m HUNNNNNNGGREEEEEE!”
Holy crap, you think. Who’s the idiot who brought a little kid here?
Then you remember. It’s you. Now you’re thinking, Would somebody bring my kid some freaking crackers?
Dining out with kids isn’t always a picnic. Limited menus, slow kitchens and poor service can ruin what should be a relaxing experience for you and your offspring. On the other hand, when good food, attentive waitstaff and a child-friendly atmosphere converge, you realize why you went out to eat in the first place — to feed the family without having to wash the dishes yourself.
For the past couple years, I’ve been trying to figure out where, among Greater Portland’s hundreds of restaurants, it’s possible to a.) bring your kid, b.) get a decent meal, and c.) still have a good time. Along the way, my wife and daughter and I have had some excellent experiences and a few meltdowns (mostly my own; Naomi, now 3, holds it together pretty well even after I’ve lost my patience).
As a general rule, if the kids are happy, the parents are happy. And if the parents are happy, they’ll come back again. Sounds simple, right? It should be. But when you’ve been waiting for your food for an hour and it finally arrives but your daughter’s meal has been sent to the wrong table and the world as you know it abruptly ends, you stop assuming that self-declared “family-friendly” restaurants will follow this rule.
O’Naturals does. If I’m out with Naomi in Falmouth or near Exchange Street around midday, I know I can count on a bustling play area (complete with train table and Legos), a grilled-cheese flatbread and a side of carrot sticks. I get a few moments of peace lingering over a bowl of chicken teriyaki with udon noodles; she has a ball playing Thomas the Tank Engine with a bunch of other preschoolers. Life is good.
Tip: Thomas the Tank Engine is there: good!
Lead paint tastes delicious: bad!
When we’re down on the Portland waterfront, the Flatbread Company is another easy choice. Their killer house salad and pizzas make healthful, all-natural food accessible to even the pickiest kids. The booths are huge (so big that when Naomi was a week old, we parked her car seat on top of the table and had a lovely meal while she slept). Plus, their big, wood-fired oven provides built-in entertainment. These days, Naomi can sit, mesmerized, for half an hour just watching the cooks throw logs on the fire and shuffle pizzas with the long wooden paddles.
New parents loath to give up on pints and plates of wings need not fear the pubs of Portland, most of which are pretty kid-friendly. However, the kids’ menus at these pubs, if available at all, tend to be uninspired and unhealthy. Appetizers or side dishes are usually the way to go. For example, the “pub plate” at Three Dollar Dewey’s on Commercial Street — a generous platter of fruit, vegetables, teriyaki chicken, smoked sausage, cheese and crackers — has enough variety to keep Junior happy for the time it’ll take you to down a couple beers and an order of nachos.
As happy hour approaches, young kids tend to be less able to handle the hectic buzz around the bar. We’ve had some luck lately with the upstairs dining room at Rí Rá, where we can enjoy our bacon cheeseburgers, onion rings and Guinness without all the background noise. On our most recent trip, Naomi gave a glowing review to their Dockside salad: mixed greens, walnuts, red grapes and goat cheese.
Tip: Babies can sleep safely on the table: good!
Adults can sleep safely on the table: bad!
A truly family-friendly atmosphere doesn’t begin and end with crayons and paper placemats. Service is key. Waiting on a table with small children takes finesse and a healthy dose of instinct. At age 3, my daughter knows if she wants more water; there’s no need to ask me (hell, I don’t know). Little things like offering to bring their food first, or bringing some extra bread or crackers if the kitchen’s running a bit slow, add up.
For example, on a recent visit to the Mekhong Thai on Forest Avenue, our waitress noticed how much Naomi enjoyed munching on the carrots carved into lotus blossoms that garnished our entrees, so she brought us another one each time she came back to the table.
A few months ago, when Naomi was feeling under-the-weather, I thought a trip to the Wake-N-Bakery & Glass Emporium in Westbrook might cheer her up. It was 4 p.m., past breakfast time even at a place named the Wake-N-Bakery, but the cook (who had little ones of his own at home) understood how happy a simple pancake can make an ailing child. For good measure, the waitress drew on a whipped-cream happy face. Two-dollar meal, five-dollar tip. Everybody wins.
Tip: Good trip: blueberry pancakes have whipped-cream happy face.
Bad trip: blueberry pancakes with whipped cream form image of Jerry Garcia’s face.
Hot dog and fries. Chicken nuggets and fries. Grilled cheese and fries. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, this is the standard kids’ fare at most restaurants, even those with much more interesting options available for adults. Listen, I know a lot of kids won’t eat anything with any discernible flavor. But others like a little adventure. Some, mine included, even eat vegetables voluntarily. There’s nothing wrong with a cheeseburger and fries, but a good kids’ menu should have some variety, including a healthy choice or two.
The Village Café, in Portland’s East End, has a better-than-average selection for kids (there’s even a salad). Naomi would devour one of their baseball-sized meatballs every day if we let her, but she can be just as happy ordering from the kids’ menu. If we’re looking to stock the fridge with enough food for a few lunches, we’ll order her a full entrée. The staff will happily plate half the meal and deliver the rest wrapped up to go.
Ricetta’s (in Falmouth and South Portland) also has one of the better kids’ menus around. There’s pasta with a choice of sauce and side dish; chicken fingers with fruit; and a kid-sized, one-topping pizza (Naomi recommends black olives or sautéed spinach). On Sunday afternoons and Monday nights, up to two children eat free for every adult at the table — hands down the best deal around for hungry families on a budget.
Tip: Never joke with children that chicken fingers are actually the severed fingers of a chicken. That’s weird and wrong. Assure them the meat comes from beakless jelly-birds pumped up with growth hormones and antibiotics. This is much closer to the truth.
Family-style dining is always an option; just make sure there’s at least one thing your kid will eat. This is especially important at ethnic restaurants that don’t offer kids’ menus. The other night at Oriental Table, on Exchange Street, we knew the lo mein would keep Naomi happy while my wife and I enjoyed some outstanding spicy Szechuan beef, and the whole family split an order of moo shi vegetables.
“Happy mouths make happy people.” I read that in a fortune cookie once. Or maybe I just made it up — doesn’t mean it’s not true.
The bottom line is, you’re going out to enjoy a meal. If you were only interested in making the kids happy, you’d take them to McDonald’s and let them play on a jungle gym shaped like Mayor McCheese.
Your first consideration should always be whether the food is good. If you want to go to Hugo’s, go to Hugo’s. But do yourself (and fellow diners) a favor and go early — the service will be better and the kids won’t get as cranky. When in doubt, bring a bag with a couple toys and a book or two to keep the little ones occupied while they’re waiting for their chicken nuggets to fry.
And remember, kids grow up fast. It’ll be just the two of you again before you know it. You may even miss the old booster-seat days. When you hear a hungry kid wailing at a table nearby, you’ll think to yourself, Poor parents. I feel their pain. They probably just need some crackers.
And then you will ignore them and order dessert.
