Dear artistic person,

Anyway, it has recently come to our attention that there exist arts foundations, private trusts and state-financed committees willing to pay people thousands of dollars to research something they call the “creative economy.” That’s us: thecreative people, in this economy! 

Sadly, to date, The Bollard has not received any of this funding. It recently occurred to us that this may be because we haven’t done any research yet. Thus, this survey. 

The results of this survey will be sent to champions of the “creative economy,” like Gov. John Baldacci, State Rep. John Eder and Mayor Jim Cohen, in the expectation they will then introduce the kind of enlightened, progressive, socialist public policy favorable to artists unsupported by the current economic structure. An official copy will also be kept on file for reference in a room of the Portland Public Library no one ever goes in. 

Before you begin, please verify that you do indeed possess artistic talent by drawing the following characters…

 

 

 

Check all boxes that apply.

1. I am a ___.

 painter

 

 drawer

 

 tin-foil sculptor

 

 artist condo developer

 

 

2. My yearly income is ___.

 $1,000,000+

 

 $30,000-$999,999 

 

 $20,000-$29,999

 

 Get off my back, dad!

 

 

3. In the past year, I have ___.

 exhibited my artwork in a gallery

 

 sold my artwork to a non-relative

 

 given relatives artwork in lieu of gifts 

 

 exhibited my artwork on a relative’s appliance 

 

 

4. The First Friday Artwalk is ___. 

 a great opportunity to shop for artwork

 

 a great opportunity to network with other artistic people 

 

 a great opportunity to drink free wine and eat free cheese and grapes

 

 what South Portland cops call the sobriety checkpoint they set up across the bridge the first Friday of every month 

 

 

5. PACA is ___.

 the Portland Arts and Cultural Alliance 

 

 a member of Wu-Tang Clan

 

 an association of professional aerospace contractors that’s hogging all the frickin’ domain names

 

 paying me to distribute these surveys

 

 

6. MECA is ___.

 Maine College of Art

 

 still crawling with undercover C.I.A. agents due to a boneheaded pre-war intelligence failure 

 

 a word in Pee-wee’s friend Jambi the Genie’s magic language 

 

 the reason I’ll never be pre-approved for a home loan

 

 

7. Affordable studio space in Portland is ___.

 easy to find

 

 difficult to find 

 

 an oxymoron

 

 also my bedroom 

 

 

8. Portland’s art scene needs another ___. 

 art gallery

 

 hole in the head

 

 rich person who’ll buy my artwork 

 

 rich person who’ll buy my artist condo 

 

 

9. Portland’s art scene needs one less ___.

 $500,000 artist condo 

 

 creative economist 

 

 Boston-based “arts and entertainment authority”

 

 snarky artist survey 

 

 

10. The public art in Portland is ___.

 aesthetically pleasing

 

 aesthetically pleasing and keeping me out of the rain while I wait for the No. 5 bus to my mall job

 

 paying someone in another state’s student loans

 

 a witty place to write “fnord”

 

 

11. In the past year, I supported a fellow artist by ___.

 buying their artwork

 

 buying their pot 

 

 not kicking their ass off the couch after Week Three

 

 not laughing

 

 

12. As an artist, I strongly believe I have a right to free ___.

 expression

 

 health care

 

 love

 

 refills at all Coffee By Design locations 

 

 

Thank you for taking the opportunity to fill out this survey. Please note that completion of this survey, while appreciated, does not mean you will receive grant money/a scholarship/a sabbatical/sympathy. 

 

— Chris Busby (creative writer), Mich Ouellette (drawer)