The Bollard’s View


illustration/Corey Pandolph
illustration/Corey Pandolph

Horny guys for gay rights

I’ve got this pet theory about guys who oppose gay rights. I think most of them are actually repressing their true sexuality: heterosexuality. Those that aren’t repressed straights are religious wackos, politicians, repressed homosexuals, or some combination of the three. 

Now, I’m no social scientist, but I took social studies classes all through high school, and I hardly remember a thing. Who could concentrate with mint suburban chicks like Jennifer, and Amy, and Suzanne, and the other Jennifer, sitting all around you in those tight sweaters and skirts? Not this guy. 

When I try to call to mind my earliest memories, I remember playing “doctor” with the girl from the cul-de-sac over, and the time I kissed my step-cousin Delaine on a trip to Kentucky. I was four, maybe five years old. 

Thirty years later, I’m a newlywed and more in love than ever, but that doesn’t mean I can get through the International section of the New York Times without being distracted by the bra ads — even charcoal-rendered cleavage trips a switch in my primitive brain.

I’m hard-wired hetero. It’s not a choice. Even when my luck with the ladies was at an all-time low, asking the pizza delivery guy out was not an option.

Repressed straights of Maine, sit down, crack a beer, and take a minute to think about this. When did you decide to be attracted to women instead of men? Can you just decide tomorrow you’d like to tongue kiss the UPS guy, or let Brown do something for you? I thought not. 

Once you realize sexual preference is not about who you “prefer” to have sex with, you can begin to see the light. And in this light, you’ll see that discriminating against someone on the basis of a trait they never chose to have is the very definition of bigotry, and obviously should be illegal. 

And yes, by the same logic, gay marriage should be legalized. In the global struggle of love against hate, you’re either for love or you’re with the terrorists. I leave it to you to figure out what side your god is on.

Get over it, brothers. Bigotry is ugly, and you probably need all the help you can get. Likewise, don’t be an accessory to bigotry by sitting this November’s vote out on the couch, watching your secret stash of lesbian porn DVDs. Vote No on Question One this Nov. 8. 

— Chris Busby

Chris Busby is editor and publisher of The Bollard.