From Holistic Hatred to Spiritual Healing
“Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor.” (Galatians 6:6, New International Version)
Punishment doesn’t stop violence, it creates violence. It creates hatred. When I was handed a de facto life sentence of 50 years at age 19, it filled me with hatred. I hated myself for being capable of such extreme violence. I hated my brother-turned-codefendant for helping get me into this mess. I hated my friends who abandoned me and my family who couldn’t make the trip to visit me in jail. I hated the media who portrayed me as a soulless monster and the people making vile comments on social media that my family was forced to see. I hated the district attorney who structured the plea deal, my defense attorney who told me I should take it, and the judge who approved it. I even hated God for allowing me to cause such harm and for not letting me kill myself afterwards.
All this hatred means I entered Maine State Prison in February 2010 mentally, emotionally and spiritually wounded. This punishment system turned me bitter and welcoming of violence. The callous brutality of calculating how much of a person’s life should be taken for the harm they caused was more than my heart or mind could bear. The whole process added to the multiple traumas of my youth and compounded them. I had no idea what to do with all that pain, so I stuffed it down like a “real man” should. I set my face, hardened my heart, and resolved to be the ruthless criminal MSP wanted me to be.
Though I couldn’t see it at the time, God had other plans. He loved me too much to let me get lost in the pull of prison culture and convict mentality. Looking back, I see countless interventions, big and small, where God operated through people, places and things to transform my horrific mess of a life into a mechanism of healing.
Most central to this transformation is Ephriam “E” Bennett, who recently published his first memoir, God’s Love Kept Me Fighting. When the vast majority of prison staff and incarcerated people were openly wishing for — and calling for — my brutal death, and trying to get me and my brother to kill each other, E was the one God used to intervene. E was the one who saw the wounded child beneath the layers of numb bitterness and hatred that coated my face, eyes and heart. E was the one to derail my path of destruction and guide me onto one of healing.
The full and nuanced story of my spiritual path from trauma to healing is a long and ongoing one. I captured some of it in my peer-reviewed journal article, “Trauma, Spirituality, and Healing: A Journey through the Lens of an Incarcerated Person,” but I wasn’t able to really own my story. Reflecting now on who (and how many) people have contributed to my ability to integrate the harms I endured, and those I inflicted on others, into the man I am today, I see how much work lies ahead of me to properly honor their risks, sacrifices and care. My desire for pain has turned to peace, and the two chapters I contributed to E’s book (“From Warrior Son to Wounded Healer,” Parts 1 and 2) are a first foray into deepening and expanding on elements I have shared in this column.
Much like faith and spiritual beliefs, everyone’s trauma-healing journey is unique to them. At the same time, the existence of a human spirit, a metaphysical element to the human being, is an almost universally accepted truism. If we have a spirit, it can be injured. I know mine has been. It has been violated, wounded, twisted in knots. By others, by systems, and by me.
Healing from spiritual injury is a path of personal exploration I am only now seriously embarking on, even though it has been a key underlying factor in my growth and identity formation as a man of faith and service. Each type of abuse and trauma I have endured and inflicted has harmed my spirit. And, like mental, emotional and relational wounds, these scars are invisible to those who don’t share them. They go unnoticed and unacknowledged in those of us who are incarcerated for causing serious harm, and that needs to change. E’s memoir gave me space to join him in bringing about that change.
My intentional exploration of the spiritual impact of trauma only started a few years ago, in Rev. Dr. Al Fuertes’ Psychosocial Trauma Healing course, which I joined as part of my Master’s degree program at George Mason University. Now, at the prompting of another dear colleague and professor, Antti Pentikäinen, it is an area I aim to delve into through reflection, meditation, writing and study.
If any part of my healing story or relationship with E resonates with or intrigues you, please check out E’s website, EphriamBennettBooks.com. My hope is that his and our story may be an inspiration toward healing, mentorship and spiritual parenthood for many.
Visit bollardhead.substack.com to watch an interview with E conducted by Bollard editor Chris Busby for the Portland Media Center.
Leo Hylton is a PhD student at George Mason University’s Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter School for Peace and Conflict Resolution, currently incarcerated at Maine State Prison. His education and work are focused on Social Justice Advocacy and Activism, with a vision toward an abolitionist future. You can reach him at: Leo Hylton #70199, 807 Cushing Rd., Warren, ME 04864, or leoshininglightonhumanity@gmail.com.
