Somerset Tap House
2 Somerset St., Portland
774-7711
wholefoodsmarket.com
Earlier this year, Whole Foods Market transformed the seating area near the prepared-foods section in its Portland store into a full-service restaurant and bar called the Somerset Tap House. It’s the first Whole Foods location in the chain to have a pub with table service. And if the corporation’s board gets wind of how dreadfully the concept is working, it very well may be the last.
This corner of the market used to be crowded with customers who could sit there and drink a cup of coffee or nosh some soup, salad, pizza or other ready-to-eat items procured inside the store and purchased at the registers. Now the only place to do that is at the few tables right next to the registers, the noisiest and most hectic area in the store. Unless they have time to commit to a sit-down meal before or after shopping for groceries, Whole Foods customers have no business being in the Somerset Tap House.
That’s one reason the Somerset Tap House has no business. On a recent Sunday, my husband and I would have had the run of the place but for a suburban family of four whose members were either staring at their handheld electronic device or dipping French fries into their water glass. One gets the impression Whole Foods is trying to attract a hipper clientele to its pub. The vintage-industrial filament bulbs, the faux mid-century modern chairs, and the miniature succulents placed on every table indicate an attempt has been made to be trendy, and has failed.
Another reason the tap house is tanking is its crummy food. The head chef, Gabriel Balkus, came to Whole Foods in late March from the kitchen at East Ender, a Portland gastropub that gets it right. He’s still trying to expand and improve the menu devised by the corporate powers-that-be before the place was opened to the public. The skimpy menu makes awkward attempts to namedrop locally made or raised ingredients — all for sale in the aisles nearby — whenever possible, turning your meal into just another marketing opportunity.
On the bright side, there are two dozen beers on tap, most of them local. We ordered the dark and pungent stout Mean Old Tom, by Maine Beer Company, and a crisp saison, Eddy, from Foundation Brewing Company ($7 each), and started on the Bang Bang Cauliflower ($8), which comes with a sweet chili sauce made by Schlotterbeck & Foss (Aisle 4). The cauliflower was under-seasoned and underwhelming, the sauce syrupy and thin.
For my “entrée,” I ordered mac ’n’ cheese ($10). I’ve never failed to finish a serving of mac ’n’ cheese, and this occasion was no exception, but that doesn’t mean the dish was good. It wasn’t. It had a nicely crisped breadcrumb topping, but even the “Jasper Hill artisanal cheddar from Vermont” couldn’t save these noodles from mediocrity.
My husband ordered the fish and chips ($16), most of which returned to the kitchen when our table was cleared. There were gobs of uncooked batter stuck to the fillet (the source, species and purveyor of which went unmentioned on the menu — a common practice that now seems suspicious). The limp coleslaw seemed to have been kept too cold for too long, and the fries were decidedly on the soggy side.
It’s shocking, and more than a little sad, that a corporation with the enormous financial and personnel resources of Whole Foods didn’t spend the time and money necessary to open a half-decent pub. At least we got out of there under our $50 limit (before tax and tip), which is more than most Whole Foods shoppers, even those who go through the express line, can say.
— Hannah Joyce McCain
Somerset Tap House is open 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. daily; food served until 9 p.m.
