Pier pleasure
The article “Enough” [September 2008] on the Maine State Pier debacle hits so many of the right points that so many folks seem to have been missing from day one. Little old Portland, Maine can never be a homeport for cruise ships because we are too far off the beaten path to make it an economical venture, both in terms of storing and passenger loads, especially now with fuel costs being what they are. One need only look at the floundering Cat to see that this idea just wouldn’t work here. I would know because I supply ships for a living (ship chandler), and the cost of supplies is so much cheaper in the mid-Atlantic states compared to here, so the cruise ships are going to continue to homeport in Philadelphia, New Jersey, and New York. The other thing that would make it not work here is the absence of a warehouse immediately adjacent to the ships’ dock, one with refrigeration and freezer capacity for ship foodstuffs. Whoever floated the “homeport in Portland” idea clearly has no idea what they are talking about, and they certainly never talked to me, and I’m in the business. Oh, that’s right, don’t confuse me with the facts!
I have never believed that either one of these proposals (Olympia’s or Ocean Properties’) will ever be built, due to the economics and that thing that Mainers call winta, a season that tends to last for nearly half of the year, if not more. How do you market a retail waterfront property when temps have hit -20F, or colder? Perhaps we roll out the power of positive thinking — “You are warm if you think you are warm.” We could have thermal underwear vendors at street corners pitching their wares, and heated street-side changing rooms to enable folks to don these necessary undies for their survival. We could have frostbite clinics at the retail stores on the wharf to help keep this problem from reaching epidemic proportions.
Will the Legislature give the developer a 75-year lease on the submerged lands under the pier? Fat chance. If my time working at the Legislature taught me anything, it was that Portland isn’t well regarded in the rest of the state of Maine, particularly in Augusta. We are seen as greedy and lazy and having way too much already. After all, the state already kicked in big time for the Ocean Gateway terminal, and look what a mess that has turned into! They want us to solve our own problems, and not come around begging for more money and special law changes that the rest of the state would never get.
While the Bollard Boardwalk might be interesting, I think the best idea I have heard yet is one calling for the Maine State Pier to be converted to the “ Portland House of Pleasure.” The proposal, as I read it, went something, but not exactly, like this: with a few minor zoning and morals law changes, we would convert the facility over to a house of pleasure. You name your pleasure, and you would find it there. You and your credit card would determine the length of your stay. Want to be poked with soft cushions a la Monty Python? You’d find that and so much more at the Portland House of Pleasure!
Let’s face it, there is a real shortage of happiness in life, and we could become the Happiness Capital of the United States! Visitors would arrive by train, bus, car or by water. No getting on a bus and heading off for Freeport or Kennebunkport or the White Mountains with this group, let me tell you, Mister Man! They would stay put until they had done, seen and experienced what they came here for, and then some. Repeat visitors, you ask? Like you could never imagine. Not a penny would leave our city!
It’s an idea no more ridiculous than the one currently before us, or the one floated by the Baldacci bunch.
— Mark Usinger, Portland
