Cheery Monologues 
By Sean Wilkinson

One Week Resolutions

The author of Cheery Monologues has recently been offered a position in a local design firm that will give him the luxury of regular paychecks — a luxury freelance design has never provided. Budget-wise, the last several months have been, to say the least, pretty tight.

This coming week is officially the last week of budgetary constraint. Accordingly, the past week has been spent dreaming up juvenile fantasies about having a real, well-paying job. To commemorate this crossroads and celebrate this change in fortune, the author offers this list of One Week Resolutions for 2006.

1. I will prepare NISSIN® Ramen Noodles of the Beef or Oriental variety at least once a day this week, complete with the requisite dumping of Hannaford-brand saltines into the bowl to add substance and texture.

2. I will go out to see a local band and measure my available cash in PBR tallboys (i.e. $10 available: PBRs are $2, thus I can afford four PBRs, allowing for a one time, $1 tip – generally for the first beer, so the bartender thinks I’m a good tipper).

3. I will convince myself that the 10-day freshness rule on soy milk is silly and eat that bowl of Grapenuts anyway, thinking with each loud chew: I mean, we keep the fridge really cold… It’s soy, not dairy… Unopened, it says it’s good until February… It always tastes a little funny…

4. I will check my bank account balance online before I go buy a $2 bottle of shampoo.

5. I will take dryer sheets from the counter at the laundromat while no one is looking, so I can afford another 30 minutes in the dryer.

6. I will call Cingular Wireless again, those wonderful swindlers, and give the same broke freelance sob story to every person necessary in order to defer my bill until next week. “Can I speak to your supervisor?” “Can I speak to yoursupervisor?”

And then, joyfully, at the end of next week, I will donate all remaining Ramen and generic saltines to a food bank. I will go see a local band, buy the beer I want to drink, tip for each drink, and buy a CD if I like the band. I will buy my soy milk on a more regular schedule, and I will buy a smaller size, since I always end up with a sketchy amount just past the mysterious 10-day comfort zone. I’ll still be eating Grapenuts, though. And I might still check my balance before I go out shopping, but I will rest easy knowing that a $2 bottle of shampoo will not send me spiraling into the evil underworld of Overdraft. I might still take dryer sheets, because, “Come on, do you really need to charge 50 cents? How much was that whole box? Like 99 cents? And there’s, like, 1,000 in there. It’s highway robbery.” And Cingular – evil, evil Cingular — they’ll get their due. They will always win. I need a phone, after all, and don’t they know it.

Sincerely,
Gainfully Employed