Goodbye, Jared. Hello, inhumans
Most readers of this esteemed publication, being residents of Maine’s 1st Congressional District, probably don’t give a shit that Jared Golden is calling it quits. But they will.
Golden, the Democratic Congressman from the state’s 2nd District, is the only member of our Washington delegation who retains the slightest resemblance to a human being. Once he retires next year, we’ll be stuck with three computer-generated images of pols performing their special effects before green screens showing the U.S. Capitol. This schlock will amaze gullible voters without having the slightest impact on the real world.
Unlike independent U.S. Sen. Angus King, Republican U.S. Sen. Susan Collins and Democratic U.S. Rep. Chellie Pingree, Golden actually tried to do stuff. That stuff wasn’t always successful and it wasn’t always what liberal Dems wanted him to do, but it was unarguably real. It was also in line with what Golden said he’d do and what he believed was the right thing to do.
That’s not politics. That’s decent human behavior.
There’s no indication that anyone running to replace him has the slightest interest in engaging in anything so messy. There’s also very little indication that any of these candidates are even actual people.
For instance, rumors have it that former GOP governor Paul LePage escaped from a clandestine laboratory in Florida where evil scientists were attempting to create sentient fast-food cheeseburgers. You want genetically engineered fries with that?
Artificial intelligence is probably responsible for the glitch that is Democrat Jordan Wood, who nobody in Maine had ever heard of until he announced he was running for U.S. Senate. But still nobody had heard of him. So instead, he announced he was running for Golden’s seat in Congress, even though he doesn’t live in the 2nd District. Wood said he plans to move there someday. All this looks suspiciously like an AI hallucination.
State Auditor Matthew Dunlap, a Democrat, is clearly a pod person controlled by space aliens. You can tell by the way he counts on his 11 fingers. Also, by the way he excuses an anti-abortion vote he cast while a state legislator by claiming he’s firmly pro-choice, but was asked to vote for it by a constituent, and anyway, the bill wasn’t going to pass.
James Clark, a Republican, wants voters to know he’s a Christian, a conservative, and definitely not a politician, although like almost everybody who brags about that last thing, he’s doing political stuff to win a job that’s inherently political. But it could be true he’s not a pol, because he’s likely a right-wing robot with a few crossed wires.
Louis Sigel, whose qualifications for Congress entirely consist of being the former secretary of the Kennebec County Democratic Committee, is more liberal than Golden but older than Janet Mills. At that age, it cannot be ruled out that he’s a zombie.
Democratic state Sen. Joe Baldacci is clearly a clone of his brother John, who used to be a state senator, then a 2nd District congressman, and finally a governor. The fact you can barely remember anything about him tells you all you need to know. And being a clone means Joe will be the same, only worse.
Kirk Francis is chief of the Penobscot Indian Nation, a Democrat, and a guy who recently got arrested for drunk driving. You have a few too many and you go all imaginary, dreaming you could be a superhero, a movie star, or even a congressman.
According to Ballotpedia, Republican Gavin Sullivan (or somebody with that name) is simultaneously running for Congress in Maine, Texas, Florida and New York. This seems unlikely, so it could be an egregious case of identity theft, or Sullivan is a werewolf, because werewolves have been rumored to do this sort of thing. They’ve also been known, according to Warren Zevon, to “rip your lungs out.”
Do you miss Jared Golden yet?
There’s no question Golden voted with the Trumpsters more often than was seemly for a nominal Democrat. But this shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone who originally supported him. He consistently said he’d back the military, law enforcement and organized labor, and that he’d oppose government shutdowns. That doesn’t seem too horribly at odds with common sense. But liberal Dems have short attention spans and an infinite capacity for outrage. I mean, many of these people consistently voted for clunky ex-Congressman Mike Michaud, a Democrat. And the rest of the populace has yet to live down supporting diminutive former Republican Rep. Bruce Poliquin.
Come to think of it, Michaud and even Poliquin would be distinct upgrades from the current crop of subhuman candidates. That shouldn’t be considered a compliment or encouragement for either of them to make a comeback.
Back to Golden. He told the Bangor Daily News he doesn’t plan to run for anything again. If only everyone mentioned in this column would make a similar pledge.
The only pledge I’m making is to read e-mails sent to aldiamon@herniahill.net. Human beings only, please.
