“You coulda heard her scream all the way to California, and we were in Hawaii”
’Fore I start, let me get one thing straight. I said some rather poor things about Genesis, the outfit that runs this facility in Westbrook I’m stuck in [“Longterm Healthcare Blues,” Nov. 2025], so let me set things right. I think I said something about them being tight. Well, let me say I was still angry at my ex-landlady and taking it out on her, which was wrong, but they are not tight at all. They’re actually real generous. They have bingo prizes and pay for an old amigo of mine, Laurence Kelly (no relation), to come and put on a helluva show, at which a grand time is had by all!
Also by the way, the day I’m writing this is the anniversary of the trial of the two lady pirates Mary Read and Anne Bonny. They were sure enough found guilty of piracy, but were not executed (the usual proscribed sentence) as they both claimed pregnancy! At the time this was known as “pleading the belly.” I’ll have more on these gals somewheres down the road. I’ll try not to make it too long.
So, what am I doing today? Well, you know when I was a young lad, me and my folks would be sittin’ on Union Wharf waiting for the smelts to start comin’ in and I’d be gazing at the water and every once in a while the oddest thing would float by. It’d be kinda round, but hard to tell, as it was pulsating or throbbing. My folks would also take me to drive-in movies. The very first movie I can remember is The Blob, and here’s The Blob floating in the water! Piqued my interest.
This place’s got a little library with real good books about bottom-feeders. And here’s a girl (fellow inmate), Jenny, telling me how she got stung by a jelly in Hawaii. She says it was quite painful and much worse than a bee sting. Her father pulled it off her using meat tenderizer! You learn something every day. I happened to meet Jenny’s father, and when I asked him about the episode he gave me the quote I used for this month’s title.
Lucky about Maine, we got no dangers like stinging jellys. (Well, I guess not all lucky — that goddamn shark.) The big jellys live on the bottom of the Eastern Pacific. They like deep waters, 2,000 to almost 5,000 feet deep. This one guy they found was nicknamed Big Ugly, but that was changed to Big Red: Tiburonia granrojo. A close look reveals it to be covered in batteries of stinging nematocysts which stun its prey. Size is nine feet in diameter. The Big Red jellys also possess four-to-seven arms used for feeding, which enable it to snack on zooplankton, crustaceans and small fish. They don’t have brains.
This animal is hard to totally describe due to its depth and small numbers. But I will tell you they can be spooky. Just ask my new pal Jenny.
While we’re on the subject, how about electric eels? South America is where these guys live, and they got voltage down to a science. They can send just a few volts to figger their whereabouts or hundreds of volts for hunting or defensive maneuvers. Glad Jenny didn’t get hit by that fucker!
I’ve learned much from my library book, which’s got great pictures as well. The biggest thing is, I now know why Japan makes so many monster movies. They got crabs six feet tall, 50-foot squid, and some of the ugliest sea creatures you could lay your eyes on, but oddly spectacular, you know?
Thanks to lockdown (another Covid outbreak), I happened to find another book about jellys. Turns out we should all be more afraid, with the water getting warmer and less oxygen, which they like. The ones near the surface float around with their long arms that release venom and shock prey into a stupor. Jenny got stung by what the book called, “the most significant and sophisticated biological equipment ever evolved,” if it makes her feel better. They been around 500 million years. Imagine all that time to practice stinging. No wonder they done such a good job on poor Jenny.
And you know the most dangerous thing on the whole planet? The box jellyfish. I think eventually no one will be swimming in the whole ocean.
Jenny shouldn’t have taken it personal. He probably just figgered she was zooplankton. Having no brain makes it difficult to tell, I guess.
