Politics & Other Mistakes 

The invulnerable Susan Collins

Even though the election is more than a year away, the results are already in for the 2026 U.S. Senate race in Maine. Republican fossilized humanoid Susan Collins will be reelected to a sixth term (after promising not to serve more than two). Collins’ victory comes in spite of her terrible approval ratings and a bad haircut.

There’s a simple explanation for this seeming inconsistency (as well as for my ability to call the contest before a single vote has been cast). Collins, as has been the case in many past elections, isn’t really running against anybody, so those disgruntled voters who don’t like her won’t have a way to express their discontent.

That’s not to say there won’t be alternatives on the ballot. There just won’t be any candidates with enough popular appeal to merit serious consideration by either ordinary voters or pompous political pundits such as my esteemed self.

But that’s not the real reason Collins can’t be beaten. She’ll win because those members of the electorate most distressed with her spotty record of supporting and opposing the Trump agenda in seemingly random fashion will still vote for her.

No, not liberals, who were once willing to concede that she held positions close enough to their idea of reasonable to make her occupation of the Senate seat less painful than such odious alternatives as former Gov. Paul LePage or former Congressman Bruce Poliquin. The libs no longer believe that to be the case. They see her votes to confirm the likes of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and a series of creepy anti-abortion judges as signs she can’t be trusted to protect science, women’s rights or education.

Doesn’t matter. Collins’ true edge over her feeble opposition comes from the right wing of the GOP. Sure, those MAGA troglodytes hate her for voting against a couple of Trump’s nominees and his Big Overgrown Obnoxious Bill (BOOB). Sure, they’re the major reason her approval rating is underwater. But when it comes time to cast ballots, they’re going to find themselves with no viable alternative to once again suppressing their gag reflex and supporting Collins.

Consider the alternatives. (Although those of you with allergies to idiocy, susceptibility to seizures, or functional frontal lobes may wish to refrain from doing so.)

Democrats

Gov. Janet Mills is the mythical candidate supposedly endowed with the magical powers required to vanquish Collins. If Mills runs (as I write this, that’s likely, but not certain), Dem voters will recall they don’t actually like her anti-labor, anti-Indigenous People, pro-gun positions any more than they can stomach Collins’ Trump-lite platform.

Graham Platner has been proclaimed by the national news media as the serious progressive challenger to the incumbent senator. This is based on Platner being a Marine and Army veteran, an oyster farmer, and unafraid to say “fuck” in public. His actual qualifications for the job have yet to surface.

Until recently, I was under the impression Jordan Wood was the name of an exclusive housing development in someplace ritzy like Cape Elizabeth. But it turns out it’s the name of a former California congressional aide hardly anyone had heard of until he somehow raised two million bucks in the first few weeks of his campaign. That’s almost enough to buy a place in an exclusive housing development in someplace ritzy like Cape Elizabeth.

David Costello ran for the U.S. Senate last year without anyone noticing. No reason to think the results will be any different next year.

Dan Kleban makes excellent beer at Maine Beer Co. And he’s angry about what’s happening in Washington. And … that’s it.

Need more obscure non-contenders? Tucker Favreau (Army vet, cyber expert and across-the-board liberal), Andrea LaFlamme (University of Maine public health professor and past president of the Mabel Wadsworth Center), Daira Smith-Rodriguez (opposes oligarchy, supports healthy foods) and Natasha Alcala (ran briefly for the Senate in 2024, supports increased social services and tiny houses) have also filed to run. Former state Sen. Cathy Breen and Maine House Speaker Ryan Fecteau are waiting, courageously, to see what Mills does before committing to the race.

Republicans

The anti-Collins branch of the GOP hasn’t yet produced anything remotely resembling a serious candidate. Carmen Calabrese (codify Trump’s unconstitutional executive orders and spend big on artificial intelligence) and Daniel Smeriglio (Army vet, right-wing podcaster, Godzilla fan) are the only challengers to emerge at this writing. Either of them can declare a moral victory in the unlikely event they draw double-digit percentages of the June primary vote.

Independent

Phillip Rench (former rocket scientist for Elon Musk). I can’t find any good reason to delve further into this.

So, it’ll almost certainly be six more years of Collins’ stupid excuses (“concerned,” “alarmed”) serving as a poor substitute for effectively governing. No big deal. By the time her next term expires, the whole concept of “effectively governing” will probably be regarded as an exercise in nostalgia.

Tempted to get in the race? Don’t bother e-mailing me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.