Maine needs an official state asshole
When it comes to anointing official state stuff, the Maine Legislature has done a thorough job. We have an official dessert (blueberry pie). Not satisfied with that, we also have an official treat (whoopie pie). Some pooch I never heard of (the Seppala Siberian Sleddog) is our official state canine. The Maine coon cat is our official feline. Moxie is our official patent medicine. From the pine cone and tassel (official state cliché) to the chickadee (official appetizer), we have official state somethings for nearly every situation that might, for some inexplicable reason, demand officialness.
Except an official state asshole.
In a time when assholishness has become the political norm, Maine risks being relegated to the quaint fringes where people who hate each other pretend otherwise in a misguided quest for civility. “So pleased to meet you,” they grunt between gritted teeth. “Have you seen our wood turtles, the official state reptile? Don’t worry, they won’t bite off any of your filthy appendages.”
All this phony politeness is unconvincing, particularly when Maine has such a rich history of assholes.
Ralph Owen Brewster was a legislator, governor, congressman and senator from 1916 to 1952, during which time he earned support from the Ku Klux Klan, palled around with anti-commie zealot Joe McCarthy and served as a bagman for Richard Nixon. But Howard Hughes hated him, so he couldn’t have been all bad.
Benjamin Bubar Sr. is the reason it’s still hard to get reasonably priced booze in this state. A fundamentalist preacher, Bubar twice ran for president on the Prohibition Party ticket, but he was no one-trick pony. Besides opposing alcohol, he fought against teaching evolution and sex education in schools. He also lectured for the KKK and thought South Africa’s apartheid was a swell idea. His son, Ben Jr., was instrumental in making the Christian Civic League of Maine a political annoyance opposed to abortion, the Equal Rights Amendment and homosexuality.
His successors at the League, Jasper Wyman and Michael Heath, just didn’t have the rectal gravitas to merit official asshole consideration.
But I don’t foresee this title being bestowed on some dead jerk. We need the OSA to be available to greet visiting dignitaries of dubious merit, such as Pete Rose, Sean “Diddy” Combs, the president of the United States, and Godzilla. In other words, we need a warm body. With a slimy exterior.
Both our current U.S. senators qualify. Angus (the “g” is silent) King has the smarmy persona so highly regarded by assholes everywhere, while Susan Collins’ wishy-washy approach to governing simultaneously pisses off liberals, conservatives and those of no particular political persuasion.
Former Gov. Paul LePage and ex-Speaker of the Maine House John Martin have assholish personalities, but they’re old guys. We need a fresh asshole to convey the spirit (and odor) of modern obnoxiousness.
The entire state Department of Health and Human Services (motto: Please Don’t Leave Your Dead Kids in Our Restroom) qualifies, but I’m afraid it’s too incompetent even to manage effective assholery.
For a while, I hoped neo-Nazi Christopher Pohlhaus might be the great white hope, but he’s reportedly left Maine. Unsuccessful independent gubernatorial candidate Eliot Cutler is currently serving six years of probation after a prison sentence for possessing child porn. That restriction would undoubtedly prevent him from exhibiting the required degree of assholishness. Right-wing agitator Larry Lockman seems to have gone dormant in this off year. A true asshole doesn’t shut down just because there’s no pending election.
Laurel Libby? The GOP state representative from Auburn opposes transgendered girls playing sports and once threatened to leave the state if kids had to get vaccinated to attend school. But they do and she didn’t. That’s not OSA-level commitment.
Christiane Northrup, a doctor who doesn’t believe in the science relating to COVID and vaccines, rarely met a conspiracy theory she wasn’t willing to promote in her best-selling books and television appearances. But it seems unlikely Northrup would give up her national profile for a bottom-dwelling (heh heh) position in her home state.
Several people suggested Democratic Gov. Janet Mills for the job, but there’d be too much chance of conflicts of interest between an elected official and an official asshole. Occasions would undoubtedly arise when the governor would be required to exude niceness toward some important visitor, while the asshole would need to be, well, an asshole.
Congresswoman Chellie Pingree? Too bland. Congressman Jared Golden? Too bipartisan. Portland City Manager Danielle West? Nasty enough (particularly to the news media), but too local.
Any of the 2026 gubernatorial candidates might qualify, especially anti-Somali butthole Bobby Charles, a Republican. But he’s already been the butt of jokes, and, once he gets his butt kicked in next year’s primary, will be promptly forgotten.
I’m at a loss for a perfect nominee. But I know what to do in situations that demand intestinal fortitude. I plop my heinie on the porcelain throne and contemplate the essential assholishness of the universe.
If you think this is a shitty idea, e-mail me at aldiamon@herniahill.net.
