Attack of the Trumpoids
If you thought Donald Trump was through taking vengeance on Maine for its various liberal-ish crimes, think again. A couple of nights ago, ICE agents descended on Ogunquit and deported the entire town to El Salvador.
Every person. Every building. Every street. Even the beach.
There was no due process. No opportunity to appeal. No environmental impact statement.
When asked for an explanation, a White House spokes-object told reporters Ogunquit was in violation of at least two of Trump’s recent executive orders, including the one banning “municipalities with funny, foreign-sounding names.” Also, the mouthpiece added, “lotsa queers.”
In the area Ogunquit once occupied, official government maps will now refer to the region as Trumpsylvania.
This abrupt and unprecedented move was met with predictable outrage from Democrats (“We demand El Salvador immediately return all the beach sand, some of the heterosexuals and most of the restaurants,” said Gov. Janet Mills) and carefully worded statements of the most timidly expressed criticism from Republicans (“I find this act to be puzzling,” said U.S. Sen. Susan Collins. “I am, as usual, concerned”). Democratic (sorta) 2nd District Congressman Jared Golden called on everyone to attempt to see both sides of the controversy and do nothing (“Trump has some valid arguments,” Golden said, “sometimes”).
Democratic 1st District Congresswoman Chellie Pingree also issued a statement, but no one paid any attention.
We do have considerable insight into the thinking (?) behind this act, because Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth was given advance word of it and immediately took to Signal to reveal the top-secret details. Unfortunately for Pete, as has become a habit with him, the Signal conversation was not limited to government officials with high-level security clearances. There was also a hobo using the computer at the Portland Public Library.
“I was just tryin’ to access some porn, y’know,” he revealed when reporters found him. “But this asshole kept buttin’ in. I finally told him to get on with whatever he was doing so I could get my rocks off before the library closed.”
Also in the Signal group were at least two Iranian spies, Timothée Chalamet and a high school transexual girl athlete. Informed of this, Hegseth said, “That last one is a serious breach of security.” He blamed it on the “deep state” and the “fake news media.”
Independent (ha!) U.S. Sen. Angus King immediately called for a blue ribbon commission to investigate and recommend whether to revoke Hegseth’s privilege to use Signal without responsible adult supervision. Collins issued another statement saying she was, among other things, “concerned” about the leak.
Secretary of State Marco Rubio further complicated efforts to retrieve the town when he admitted he’d fired so many employees at the State Department that there was no longer anyone there who knew where El Salvador was located. “We think it’s one of those itty bitty shithole countries in Central America,” a State Department spokes-robot said. “You know, like Lichtenstein or Dyspepsia or Guacamolia.”
Sen. Susan Collins held a news conference to announce she was “concerned” about the State Department cuts.
Meanwhile back in Maine, the Legislature convened in emergency session to deal with the crisis. Democrats introduced a bill making all deported residents of Ogunquit eligible for paid family leave benefits. Republicans offered an amendment limiting such payments to American citizens who signed sworn statements that they didn’t know what all the letters in LGBTQ stood for.
The Trump administration announced that if the Democrats’ bill passed, it would withdraw permission for Mainers to use interstate highways or pay their bills with American money. Gov. Mills responded by denying federal officials access to state roads and by legalizing payments in Monopoly money or Canadian dollars, whichever was worth more at the moment.
That standoff left Sen. Collins feeling “concerned,” according to press reports.
It was then that Kash Patel, director of the FBI, head of the ATF, master of WTF, president of the UAW, grand poobah of the KKK and, in all likelihood, executive director of the AARP, entered the fray by arresting the few remaining executives of the Maine Trust for Local News on grounds of aggravated lack of trust.
Patel was outraged when the Trust’s daily newspapers expressed skepticism about an announcement by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. that he had just received a new study proving Janet Mills causes autism. Also, measles.
Patel was apparently unaware that hardly anybody reads those papers, so nobody cared. Oh wait, Susan Collins said she reads them and she was “concerned,” although she didn’t say about what.
But you just knew none of this was going too much further without some input from the Duke of DOGE himself, Elon Musk. Musk, witnessing the rampant witlessness all around him, decided to add to it. Thanks to a bold new technological advance, Musk proclaimed electricity from Maine would no longer work in Tesla vehicles.
That severely inconvenienced the few rich people who had previously supported Musk.
Susan Collins announced she was — at last — “unconcerned.”
E-mail your concerns — or lack thereof — to aldiamon@herniahill.net.
