The bliss of equality
The problem with biological boys playing high school sports is even worse than Laurel Libby or Donald Trump imagined. Libby, a Republican state representative from Auburn, was censured by the Maine House of Representatives this past session for posting a photo online of a transgendered girl who had the audacity to win a high school athletic competition, thereby denying some less talented (but cis-gendered) girl a trophy. Libby demanded the state change its law so this never happens again and is now suing to overturn her legislative punishment. Trump, meanwhile, is suing to overturn Maine’s law banning discrimination against transexuals.
Did any of this deter “boys” from bullying their way onto the award podium? Nope. In a moment, I’ll provide the latest stunning example.
The big problem with sports is that some people are better at them than other people. Maybe their parents were Olympic champions. Maybe they have a home gym and personal trainers. Maybe they were born with more talent. Maybe they just work harder. Whatever the reason, they make your kid look like a second stringer at the J.D. Vance School for Undernourished Children on Decreased SNAP Benefits.
Obviously, one way to solve this is to ban everybody who’s better than your offspring from competing. The way to a true meritocracy is to embrace mediocracy.
Equally obviously, outlawing transgendered people would only be the start. We’d also need to ban the rich, the smart, and those who are just plain good at something. Only then will the Laurel Libbys have a decent shot at a gold medal.
The problem goes well beyond native transgendered kids. It also includes boys who weren’t born in Maine but came here from wealthy out-of-state communities to attend exclusive prep schools. For example: the Kents Hill School boys hockey team. Only two of its players were from Maine. With its roster stocked with behemoths from away, raised on rigorous practices and expensive organic foods, that Readfield enclave of exceptionalism managed to overcome a modest regular-season record and bull its way into the finals of the Class A high school hockey championship, thereby shoving aside Maine-born kids from the RFK Jr. School for the Vaccine-Deprived.
Kents Hill then lost to Thornton Academy, another private school, but one with more local kids.
OK, so we can’t complain about foreigners stealing the trophy. But were any players on either team transgendered? We don’t know, so the state should immediately order them all to drop trou. I’m sure Laurel Libby would be happy to conduct the required examinations. If the results are inconclusive, the championship trophy should be impounded until further testing can be completed.
That might take some time. There are more than half a dozen medical conditions that make it tricky to determine gender. While such cases are rare — nearly as rare as trans girls competing in sports — no extreme is too excessive to protect the integrity of our sporting traditions.
To guarantee such transgender transgressions never happen again, we need new laws. We need the legal system to hobble exceptionalism wherever it rears its ugly head, whether that head is attached to a transgendered or cis-gendered body.
Let’s start with a fundamental claim made by every lazy-ass philosopher with no clue how to fix this imperfect world. They’ll tell you, “Listen up, buster. Life isn’t fair.”
If that’s so, it’s a serious flaw that should promptly be corrected. It doesn’t seem like that big a deal to impose fairness on existence by using a law book to bludgeon everybody who shows the slightest hint of being above average, until those members of the elite are reduced to the miserable mean.
In fact, Kurt Vonnegut Jr. wrote a short story about that very thing, called “Harrison Bergeron.” It begins like this:
“The year was 2081 and everybody was finally equal. They weren’t only equal before God and the law. They were equal every which way. Nobody was smarter than anybody else. Nobody was better looking than anybody else. Nobody was stronger or quicker than anybody else. All this equality was due to the 211th, 212th and 213th Amendments to the Constitution, and to the unceasing vigilance of agents of the United States Handicapper General.”
In the story, the intellectually, athletically and cosmetically superior are legally hindered by being forced to wear heavy weights, bad glasses, earpieces broadcasting distracting noises and hideous masks. When the title character refuses to conform, he’s shot dead by the Handicapper General.
Once we institute something similar, it’ll no longer matter if transgendered girls compete against your children. They won’t be able to run faster, jump higher or throw harder. Everybody will finish in a tie. Everybody will hold the world record. Every team will have a .500 season. Everybody gets a participation trophy. Then, we’ll all be happy.
Exactly. Equally. Happy.
Especially the Laurel Libbys and Donald Trumps of this world.
If you know of a transgendered person who writes better columns than this one, e-mail me at aldiamon@herniahill.net and I’ll go break their fingers.
